Death and College; How do we cope?

Now, I’m going to be honest, I still haven’t figured this one out. I’m currently writing this, sitting out at cheer practice crying because 2 hours prior, I found out my friend died of cancer. To top that off, I got taken off mat because I put my foot down about not going to a practice that was scheduled a few weeks prior when I’d had plans on this day for 7 months. But to be honest, I don’t even think I’m mad about not being on mat; I think I’m at a point in my life where I’ve had so many losses and so I realized need to prioritize my life and the things that make me happy and if that means losing other things than that means losing other things. 

• This semester alone I lost 3 of my friends. And every time it happens again as inevitability life takes from us, I think I’ve figured it out and I haven’t. The one thing on replay in my mind is the fact that I didn’t get to say goodbye but I guess that’s how life works. 

As I’m writing this next part, I’m sitting in my political science class discussing regression analysis trying not cry. College, am I right? And the sad thing is, because I live 9 hours away from home, I can’t take off anymore class time to drive/fly home for the funeral since I’ve already missed so much class for 2 other funerals this semester meaning I’m extremely behind in all my courses.

Usually I can sit down and write in one go, but because I’m talking about something that’s hitting me hard right now, I pause after almost every paragraph. On the day I’m writing this, my mom called me to tell me our family friend passed away. To tell you I’m defeated is an understatement. I don’t want to do homework, I don’t have energy to care for myself, I am tired.

I need a really big hug right now and I don’t know who from. I’m trying to find comfort with the idea that they’re in a better place but man I’m struggling.

One thing that has been honestly helping even though I feel horrible, is making myself feel the emotions that come with grief and also trying to be positive. I don’t stop myself from crying even when I feel embarrassed or like I shouldn’t be reacting this way. I try to talk through my feelings with my boyfriend so if you have someone, a friend, anyone, try to talk through it with them. Just know you deserve to feel emotions and we’ll get through this together!

Being a student in college losing people close to me, honestly I want to drop out; but that’s not smart. I don’t know if it’s the same at other universities or the University of North Carolina just houses hellish professors but a lot of them genuinely do not care about your well being. And this is not an isolated incident at UNC; 85% of students here will outright tell you how their professors are either praying on their downfall, seem to not have any compassion or empathy, or . I feel like 24/7 I’m having to decide between my mental health or my grades and there is no in-between here. I have to go to the Dean just to get an extension for my friends DYING. I told my professor, I will be submitting an assignment in late explaining the situation in detail and she was like mmmm…..you need a university approved excuse. And if I’m going to be honest I have no energy to take care of myself let alone drag myself through the process of getting a UAE at UNC.

I wrote about this in one of my previous blog posts but when I came to college I had a dream of so many things. 80% of my classes here over the past 2 years have made me feel extremely defeated to the point where I don’t know if I even can mentally get through grad school; undergrad is about to take me out for good. And I’m going to step out and say it, I’m smart, and I thrive when I’m doing work in the field but I deflate in a classroom setting; I’m a horrible test taker and always have been, I have strong opinions and I’m not afraid to say them which my professors either love or hate, and although I love learning I just cannot function in a dang classroom. I’m trying my best but my best is not good enough and when I tell my friends about all these issues I always get the same response; yea the issues exist but they’re nowhere near as bad. I had a professor first semester freshman year call our whole class stupid every class but he was tenured so there was no trying to get him reprimanded.

And guess what?

My GPA reflects my experience at UNC but no one tells the grad/doctorate programs you’re applying to whether or not you had good professors. So when you have a 3.2 compared to someones 3.9, you might have done the same amount of work and are equally as smart but grading is often subjective what can I say and boom you’re rejected from the places you dreamed of. I think that’s why my dreams recently have kinda been shattered. I don’t even feel like trying to argue my case, cause why would I? Just to do the whole process over again. Is it really worth it?

I don’t know…but at the same time all I know is I’m going to try and live my life to the fullest and if I fail my academic validation heart and get C’s at least I did my best you know. Life is too short to be stressing over college the way I have and it’s time we students start taking care of ourselves and putting us first.

Signing Off, XOXO, Amie <3